Top 10 Nostradamus Predictions for 2016

I (kind of) knew Nostradamus was a real person, and I figured he probably lived in the year 300 B.C., like on the outskirts of Mongolia or China, or maybe somewhere people get beheaded for suggesting there is no god. Actually, he was a 16th century French philosopher. France? OK, never would have guessed. So I saw an article, and I don’t understand how he knew stuff was gong to happen like 9/11, and I especially don’t know how he came up with anything as specific as “2016 predictions.” I don’t believe in psychics or anything like that. Why? Because the future hasn’t happened yet so you can’t see it. You could try and argue with that, but it’s a fact. So how the fuck this guy saw stuff, I’ll never know. I have a feeling someone is lying.

10. Obama will be America’s last president. That makes zero sense.

9. Unusual weather patterns. So if I claim weird weather might happen in 3080, I’m a genius? Please.

8. Unusual planetary alignments. This one is not good, because he said they’ll “trigger massive events on earth.” Like, the beginning of a new Ice Age? Great.

7. The Middle East will be on fire. There’s oil there. Oil burns. Next.

6. Explosions in the Middle East. Like planes blowing up. “Nostradamus said that planes will be falling from the sky in 2016.” Um, he lived 400 years ago, before planes were invented. Someone is lying.

5. The world will end. Thanks to the war Iraq, he said. Awesome.

4. America is ruining the world. He must have thought we sucked. Wait, there was no America in the 1500’s! Whatthefuck?

3. Global warming. He said the north and south poles will melt. It’s happening, friends.

2. Jerusalem will be attacked. And we’re going to help them. That’s cool.

1. We’ll have peace with Russia. Let’s hope so!