A LETTER TO JAVIER BARDEM

Dear Javier,

I once read an article about you where you said your favorite actor was Al Pacino. I assume you were talking about The Godfather Al Pacino, or Serpico Al Pacino, or even Glengarry Glen Ross Al Pacino, because—let’s face it—Scent of a Woman Al Pacino was more than a little campy and Scarface Al Pacino was brilliant but distracting because Tony Montana was Cuban and everyone knows Al Pacino is actually Italian. Same goes for Carlito’s Way, where he was supposed to be from Puerto Rico. But whatever. Al Pacino’s is awesome.

I’m writing to you today to give you first crack at (sort of) playing Al Pacino in a future project. Except it wouldn’t exactly be Al Pacino. It would be my husband Mauro. And even though it’s technically a “supporting role,” I can tell you it’ll be quite juicy and just the kind of thing you may be looking for to stand aside your Oscar-winning performance as a sociopathic killing machine in No Countrty For Old Men. I don’t have a script for you yet, but my best friend Ronna is planning on developing something for HBO based on my new book Bent: How Yoga Saved My Ass, coming out this January. (Or in Spanish, Doblado: Cómo El Yoga Salvó Mi Culo.) Think of it like Happy Days meets The Exorcist while Abbey Road is playing and you will get the idea. We’re hoping to get Rob Zombie to direct, which means Sheri Moon Zombie would probably be your TV wife, considering he puts her in everything he does and why would this be any different. And that’s fine with me. Sheri Moon Zombie is a goddess.

Going back to that last thing: I realize you are from Spain and Mauro is from Australia, but his parents are from Northern Italy, which is close enough to Spain that it shouldn’t be that big of a stretch. And the fact is, you two have the exact same smoldering good looks and I’d like to keep things as close to real life as possible. (If looks weren’t an issue, I’d be tempted to go with Forest Whitaker, seeing how he is one of my favorite actors. But I suppose that would make zero sense.)

Now Javier, I have no idea when this project will get off the ground so I’m going to have to ask you to keep your schedule open. And if you need a personal reference, you can ask your wife Penelope Cruz to call her ex-boyfriend Tom Cruise, who I sat next to at a Police concert here in L.A. in 1983. I’m sure he’ll remember me. I’m the one who gave him my Ray-Bans to try on and then asked him to give me his best Risky Business impression. And he did. It’s amazing how gutsy you can be when you’re 16 years old and buzzed off strawberry margaritas in a can.

So. You in? Because I’ve already told some people your name is attached… That’s how much I know you’re going to like Bent. I’ll look for your email!

Your Amiga,

Anne