My husband had a text thing yesterday with his friend where he told him I had lost my keys. The friend asked, “did she look in the trunk?” To which Mauro replied, “yeah, only guns and cannoli.” So Italian.

“Star Wars” quotes can be just as apt as “Godfather” quotes. (Sadly, “that’s what she said” doesn’t always apply. But that’s what makes it special.) They all rule. As long as the person you’re talking to is a) over the age of 35 and b) probably a guy and c) you say most of these under your breath, you could spend the better part of a day talking like this. Let it punctuate the obviousness of stuff.

This has nothing to do with it, but if you want to know if someone shares a generation letter or other byname with you, ask them who played Obi-Wan Kenobi. Depending on if they say Alec Guinness or Ewan McGregor, therein lies everything you need to know. If they say who’s that? you’ve got a huge problem.

On with it.

“I’m trying to get tickets to Adele, but they’re like $300 fucking dollars each.”
Try not. Do—or do not. There is no try.

“If you keep smoking, chances are you’ll get emphysema, lung cancer and mouth sores.”
Never tell me the odds.

“I’m sorry, miss, we’re out of the ‘Barely Bare’ colored lip pencil.”
Strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

“Hey baby, Christmas Day is on Thursday, not Wednesday.”
You will find that it is you who are mistaken… about a great many things.

“Tijuana is kind of depressing.”
If you’re saying that coming here was a bad idea, I’m starting to agree with you.

“What’s in the dog’s mouth?
He’s holding a thermal detonator!

“I finished the Sunday crossword for the first time!”
Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.

“Are you eating the last of the brownies?”
These aren’t the droids you’re looking for…

I’ll use the next one if and when I’m the master of anything.
We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.

…or when I wash a bug down the shower drain.
Now, young Skywalker… you will die.

“Do you know what time it is?”
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Salesperson, probably at the MAC Makeup counter: “Can I help you?”
Yes. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Maybe they’ll reply with:
Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan. Now that’s a name I have not heard in a long time… A long time.

Sometimes my dog let’s her tongue hang way out of her mouth.
Laugh it up, Fuzz ball.

“We’re going to my dad’s for the holidays in San Diego.”
No. I am your Father.

“I’m gonna say fuck it, and order banana pancakes.”
Obi-Wan has taught you well.

“I didn’t get out of bed until 2:00 today.”
The force is strong with this one.

“We’re pregnant!”
Great shot kid, that was one in a million!

And when you realize how amazing life can be…
Remember… the Force will be with you, always.