Note: I originally pitched this piece to cracked.com, who very nicely rejected it because “not everyone grew up like I did.” 

When I was young my mother told me Buffy from “Family Affair” had crawled into a refrigerator, closed the door on herself and died. How or why you would do such a thing, I have no idea. Actually, Anissa Jones had died from a drug overdose at 18. Cocaine. PCP. Prescription drugs. I’m quite sure there was already a cautionary tale there—a much better one than the refrigerator thing. Which I’m guessing would only happen if you were on drugs.

People are always lying.

#1. Hello Kitty is not a cat.

Of course she’s not. The expressionless, anthropomorphic feline figure with the pointy ears, the whiskers, the paw-like, fingerless appendages… my bad. She’s actually a little British girl. Not that you would know—in case you never noticed, it’s not like she has a mouth to talk. Or to steal your breath… Oops, wait! She’s not a cat, y’all!

Hello Kitty expert Christine Yano and curator of the Japanese American National Museum in L.A. was schooled by Sanrio, Hello Kitty’s manufacturer, prior to a recent exhibit. “Hello Kitty is not a cat,” she was told. “She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty.”

Hello Kitty was created with her own life story. Her real name is Kitty White and she has a twin sister named Mimmy, distinguishable by virtue of her yellow bow (Kitty wears a red one) but with the same ambiguous facial expression and emotionless black holes for eyes. If it weren’t for the jumper and the bow, she’d closely resemble a dead rat runt. Just what you want on your lunchbox.

She lives outside of London. She’s in third grade and she stands exactly five apples tall. “It’s interesting,” says Yano, “because Hello Kitty emerged in the 1970s, when the Japanese and Japanese women were into Britain.” Kitty and Mimmy. Should have guessed.