Nail Polish

Along with racehorse names like “Tradition,” “Whistlejacket” and “Better Than Ever,” I love nail polish names for their nonmeaning. Why bore your nails with pink when you can walk around with a color called “Sugar Daddy?”

Here are 15 doozies that are cool, and weird, and horrifying.

15. “No Means No.” It’s purple, which kind of means yes.

14.”I’m Not Really a Waitress.” Yeah, ya are. It’s dark red, but nowhere near the greatness of Chanel’s “Vamp,” the best nail polish ever.

13. “Where’s My Chauffeur.” Up your ass. It’s light easter-egg blue.

12. “Taint.” It’s brown. Swear to god.

11. “Porn-A-Thon.” Bored, are we? It’s a buttery yellow, which makes no sense.

10. “Jail Bait.” It’s bright orange. And young.

9. “Spaghetti Strap.” It’s light pink. It slips off your shoulder.

8. “My Silicone Popped.” Does it matter what color? Gross.

7. “My Button Fell Off.” The color of slutty.

6. “Scallywag.” Sounds like a pirate. It’s bright blue, which has nothing to do with pirates.

5. “Gobsmacked.” You’ve been slimed.

4. “Starter Wife.” Light pink. What a nice wedding shade. I’d actually prefer “Trophy Wife” or “No Pre-Nup.” (Actual colors.)

3. “Today I Accomplished… Nothing.” It’s brown and kind of spackley. 

2. “So Many Clowns… So Little Time.” …Said no sane person ever. Oh, and it’s whitish. 

1. “Uh-Oh, Roll Down the Window.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Written by Anne Clendening
Anne Clendening was born and raised in L.A. She's a yoga teacher, a writer and occasionally slings cocktails in a Hollywood bar. She could eat chocolate cake for every meal of the day. She has a huge fear of heights and flying. And fire. She wishes she could speak French, play her guitar better and make cannoli. She's probably listening to The Dark Side Of The Moon right now, kickin’ it with her boxer dog and her hot Australian husband ★