I was in 8th grade, and maybe my Catholic uniform skirt was a wee bit short. But how else do you get boys to pay attention to you? Of course, this isn’t what I said to my parents. I got my wish when I ended up at an all girls high school right across the street from UCLA. Hot young chicks in school girl uniforms in near proximity to beer, college guys, and no supervision. I’m convinced a dirty old man is responsible for the city planning in this area. Bravo.

14 year olds are so lucky and they don’t even know it. All they have to worry is homework and chores. And some of the advice my parents pretty much jammed down my  is still good today.

1. Don’t Call Boys. They don’t like it. Period. They like to do the chasing. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll call. Or text, or IM, or whatever. You know what I mean. They’ll straight up eat dirt to get what they want.

2. Don’t wear too much make-up. You certainly don’t want to look like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby when she played a 12 year old prostitute. Unless you’re an acclaimed French filmmaker, it’s not art, it’s… something else. I don’t want to use the word “tart” because I sound like a grandmother, so let’s just say less is more. Or we can say whore. But Brooke and other girls who played young prostitutes and troublemakers have a way of ending up with in fancy ivy-league universities, like Jodie Foster and Natalie Portman. Those two even won Oscars, and come to think, they all seem well-adjusted. OK, too much make-up is fine if you’re the 12 year old exceptionally intelligent actressy type of babe.

3. Call me when you get there. No one had cell phones, email, or even voicemail when I was a teenager, and they always had to know where I was. So annoying. And now, you know when you go out of town, and you’re best friend says, “Call me when you get there”? That’s when I know they had  neurotic parents like mine.

4. Don’t wear earrings. They’re tacky. This is a good point. I was (erroneously) told that Marilyn Monroe never wore earrings so nothing would distract from her beauty. I don’t know about that, but earrings can be pretty stupid.

5. Don’t shave your legs above the knees. Um, wrong. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t.

6. Never put your drink down at a party. This might be the best advice ever. Keep your eyes peeled or someone could ruffi you! Do you wanna be raped? I never take Altoids from strangers, or get salad from the salad bar at the market, or indulge in cupcakes at a party where I know for a fact the people get high. You might think this is going too far, but I’m not sorry. You never know.

7. Don’t swear, get a tattoo, or chew gum. It’s not lady like. This is true. But I do it all anyway. I never wanted to be a lady.

8. Don’t have sex on the first date. Whatever.

9. Learn to bake. It sounds so Pollyanna, but damn, this is great advice. Baking is almost therapeutic. I’m surprised I’m not 200 pounds. I could spend all day in the kitchen, apron on, baking cookies and pies and anything chocolate. It’s so 50’s but I don’t care.

10. Pull down your skirt. Yeah, that uniform was super short, but I’d pull it down, because then I could show my stomach. Six of one, 1/2 dozen of the other. ♥ ♥ ♥