I Kill Orchids and I Watch Top Gear


My mother-in-law sent us these orchids for our anniversary. I love them. But they’ll be dead soon—deader than everything in our backyard. We both suck at keeping flowers alive.

I left the shot of “Top Gear” on the TV because if you’re a guy, maybe you think I watch “Top Gear” and that would make me über-cool. I don’t. Mauro’s watching it. Apparently it’s rated TV-PG, whatever that means. It’s English. They have way different standards. Don’t they have, like, naked news shows? Or is that Germany?

As you can see on the left, I also included a glimpse of my bathroom. I’m sure the sight of the toilet paper, not to mention the toilet, is charming.

If you look closely behind the orchids you can see a selfie stick on top of the pile of books, which are next to the wedding photos of my parents. Mauro got it for Christmas in a harrowing round of white elephant with my family. It took me almost an hour to figure out how to use it, and even then Mauro had to explain it works over bluetooth. Bluetooth. Where the heck did they get that name? And why does no one use the word “heck” anymore? It’s a heck of a good word!

Anyway, these orchids are going to be dead as heck soon. Not to be negative. It’s just a fact. Don’t tell my mother-in-law.

Written by Anne Clendening
Anne Clendening was born and raised in L.A. She's a yoga teacher, a writer and occasionally slings cocktails in a Hollywood bar. She could eat chocolate cake for every meal of the day. She has a huge fear of heights and flying. And fire. She wishes she could speak French, play her guitar better and make cannoli. She's probably listening to The Dark Side Of The Moon right now, kickin’ it with her boxer dog and her hot Australian husband ★