I love the Oscars. Love. It’s my dream to sneak into the Oscars one day, which I guess means I’ve given up on my original dream of actually being invited to the Oscars. Invited by the Oscar people—not just a person. That’s OK. The new dream sounds funner anyway.

Five years ago I was living a block away from The Kodak where the Oscars are held. I should’ve just walked down there and given the sneaking-in thing a go, because I wanted to sneak in then, too. I think I got lazy and decided to just watch it on my couch like a normal person. And watch the limousines drive by my window.

I have seen exactly two best picture nominees this year: The Big Short and Spotlight. I’m not at all in a position know what’s good. I could be totally off. Or I could just be a genius.

Best Picture: The Revenant. I have no idea what that word means or what it’s about. All I know is from what I’ve seen Leonardo DeCaprio looks like a badass mother fucker.

Best Actor: See above. I’m pretty sure Leo’s got it. But I love you, Bryan Cranston.

Best Actress: Cate Blanchett for Carol. Because I love her and I hear she’s a very convincing gay chick. Good for her.

Best Supporting Actor: Sylvester Stallone for Creed. I mean, COME ON!! Just give it to him!

Best Supporting Actress: Jennifer Jason Leigh for The Hateful Eight. No reason, other than I just love her.

I wish myself luck.