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A Totally Random Story About Politics
Every election year I say I'm going to help out and I never do. I think about volunteering, making phone...
I LOVE YOU, LAURIE STRODE
"You're not seriously watching this movie again."
It’s the same conversation every year. “Yes, I’m watching Halloween again. Halloween 2,...
THE NEW JAN BRADY
Sometimes when I start a new project I get the "I'm the new Jan Brady" thing stuck in my head....
THE TRUTH ABOUT BEING AWESOME
It's not often I get to say this, mostly because I spent the last two years working on Bent and...
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HAVING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER
First, be born a human. Obviously, you’ve already done that—so good job. Now, make mistakes. Tons of them. Know this...
AND THAT’S THE DAY
So here's what happens the day your new book comes out: Not much. It's weird. It's one of the biggest...
THE STORY OF BENT
I saw a YouTube video once where a guy dressed head-to-toe like a red devil with a long tail and...
A LETTER TO JAVIER BARDEM
Dear Javier, I once read an article about you where you said your favorite actor was Al Pacino. I assume...
A LETTER TO RUSSELL BRAND
Dear Russell, You may or may not remember this, but we met a few months ago when you were here...
NEW YEAR’S EVE AT VARIOUS TIMES
7:00pm Me: How ya feelin' baby? Mauro: I feel like shit. Drink some juice. No, it sounds gross. Then drink...
A LETTER TO DAVID THORNE
What's Up David, So my husband just asked me what I was doing and I told him I was writing...
THE KID IS GETTING OLD
It started with Patty Hearst. Actually, it started when I was watching a documentary on Rolling Stone Magazine where they...
I MADE OUT WITH SCOTT BAIO TODAY
So this morning I spent at least two hours lying in bed watching an unbelievably insane Twitter war explode between...
PANIC ATTACK
Panic attacks are pretty special. Overwhelming surges of terror appearing out of nowhere, drowning you in fear, choking the breath...
MORE STUFF THAT PROBABLY WON’T MAKE IT INTO BENT
Yes, there is a part one to this post. I've written a lot of stuff. Not all of it publishable....
DINOSAURS
I must have had some really weird dreams last night because when I woke up this morning, this is the...
MOSQUITOES
Since the weather's been getting warmer I've seen some very weird bugs flying around inside our house. And they're e verywhere...
THE STRANGER
Saturday, 2:30 pm. There's a dude sitting outside my house in a white Mercedes. He doesn't appear to be homeless, broken...
ADULTS RUIN EVERYTHING
(...Or make it all better, depending how you look at it.) For Christmas my aunt Judi, knowing how stressed out...
I AM NOT A PSYCHOPATH
I just found a one question test that reveals whether or not you have the mind of a psychopath. It's...
KINDLE RULES
I used to make endless fun of my friend Jalee for owning a Kindle. Kindles were for the lazy. Seriously,...
DEAR MR VICE-PRESIDENT ELECT PENCE
The following is the original version of the post that is now on elephant journal ←
Dear Mr. Vice President-Elect...
THIS ISN’T MEANT TO BE SAD, BUT IT IS ABOUT DEATH
So my editor has been encouraging me to amp things up a little with third-party quotes, which do come in...
SO SHINES A GOOD DEED IN A WEARY WORLD…
There is an unusually large, very out-of-place house around the corner from us that Mauro and I refer to as...
THANK YOU CONOR MAH-FUCKING-GREGOR
"Terrifying." This is my usual answer when anyone asks me how the writing is going. "It's terrifying." Writing a book...
THIS POST WENT NOWHERE NEAR WHERE INTENDED
A little over a year ago a very nice woman named Debra found my blog and asked if I wanted...
FLAGS
Because of the Olympics I just took a quiz called "How Many Of These Flags Of The World Can You...
QUESTIONS
I get emails from something called Quora Digest. I have no idea why. I don't remember signing up for anything,...
YEARS FROM NOW, WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT WRITING THIS BOOK, I WILL THINK OF DONALD TRUMP
The week my editor first contacted me about writing a book was the same week Donald Trump announced he was...
I GUESS IT WAS THE 4TH OF JULY MONDAY
I have become a recluse. Mauro has to do everything. He does the laundry, makes dinners, feeds the dog, walks...
IF YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS, MY HAT IS OFF TO YOU
I bet you've been there. I've been there. Many times. And I still didn't guess. I'd give you a hint,...
WHAT’S UP WITH THE SICKEST BRAIN RIDDLE EVER
Excuse me, but WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS. Why do the people have to...
SERIOUSLY, OJ MIGHT BE INNOCENT
I never thought I'd say this, but I think OJ may not be the killer. I spent like an hour...
FABLES
I was writing something just now about names you might find in a fable, like Jane or Henry, then I...
THIS IS KIND OF UNBELIEVABLE
Why am I so disturbed by this? The weirdest part has to be the gold ballet slipper caressing the face....
Bad Poetry #4
Considering I'm married to an Australian, this has to be the best bad poem ever. And I've been Googling "bad...
Bad Poetry #3
Um, OK, not sure at all what's going on with this guy. And for some reason I almost put a...
Bad Poetry #1
From Harold Pinter, British playwright, screenwriter, director and actor who was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 2005: American Football (A...
Words
I keep a list of words and stuff that I want to fit into Bent somewhere. They're especially awesome when I...
Fire
I'm still writing about catching on fire. It's been three days. So I looked up some beautiful quotes about fire....
Bluebird
I was just looking for inspiration for a piece on Happiness I'm writing. I found this from Charles Bukowski. Damn....
This is a Real-Time Post
I'm updating my computer to something called "The Captain" or something like that because I desperately need Word to write...
Doves. Crying.
"Let's watch Purple Rain." That was Friday night. We were talking about Prince. But it was like midnight and Mauro...
I Don’t Get It
I don't get Instagram. Hashtags taunt me. I am so not cool enough for Instagram. Instagram is a gang of...
Sherlock Holmes Riddle
I say it's... Actually, I won't say. I haven't look at the answer yet in an effort to draw out...
Stupid Stuff #8
OK. Why does she appear to be paddling the guy with a meat cleaver? Why are they wearing masks? What...
Stupid Stuff #7
A man is taped to the ceiling. He looks like he has a very large chest. He doesn't look concerned....
Stupid Stuff #6
WHY. Why are there latex faces. And why is she wearing one. And why is it such a sad one....
Stupid Stuff #5
OK. Holding your junk is not going to protect you here. And what is that half shirt? And what is...
Stupid Stuff #4
First thought: they're being really stupid. Second thought: they're dressed alike, as if they're in prison and this is their...
Stupid Stuff #3
This does NOT look like a good idea. I can't figure out who is going to get crushed first, the...
Stupid Stuff #2
This man does not appear to be hanging from wires. He's in midair, I guess trying to kick something, but...
Stupid Stuff #1
If you Google "stupid stuff," things like this come up. WOW. Why are there cucumbers in their mouths? What are they...
Here’s to the Crazy Ones
I have a feeling I've posted this quote before... hmmm...
“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The...
Yes, I’m Immature and No, I’m So Not Cool
First off, FUCK OFF. YOU SUCK, YA DUMB BITCH. EAT MY FUCK. Sorry, had to do it. I had to...
I’m not the Only One…
This, from "Adulthood is a Myth" by Sarah Andersen. Exactly. Except I wouldn't be nervous, like in the second one,...
I Suck
If you want to know if hell exists, IT DOES and it's called cracked tooth pain. I woke up Friday...
Why Didnt…?
I was Googling something the other day, something about "why didn't..." I have no idea what it was. But this...
There Were Two Cows in a Field…
There were two cows in a field. One said, “Moo.” The other one said, “I was going to say that.”...
The Most Convincing Reason Not to do Acid I’ve Ever Seen
First, why is NASA doing these experiments? The first one is "normal." The second one is on chloral hydrat (sleeping...
I Make Things Hard.
So when I said, "I think I'll do a post every day until I'm 50!" on my 49th birthday, I...
Lion Eats Woman’s Head
So I was Googling vintage circus photos and this happened. I'm legitimately worried about a person who would dress up...
The Flat Earth Society
First of all, it's real. The Flat Earth Society believes the earth is flat. They think the earth is like a...
Be Like Zeppelin
This is the advice you get when you're married to a sound engineer. I was sitting outside with Mauro, taking...
So Done
This is a screen shot of my desk top, which I took for one reason: I challenged myself to finish...
Elementary School
The other day I was writing about the time, when I was six-ish, I took a pair of scissors to...
Top 10 Nostradamus Predictions for 2016
I (kind of) knew Nostradamus was a real person, and I figured he probably lived in the year 300 B.C.,...
“…one whom magic had changed into the likeness of a strange and beautiful seabird.”
“A girl stood before him in midstream, alone and still, gazing out to sea. She seemed like one whom magic...
Author Questionnaire
"Compose a list of ten questions with answers about your book that you can discuss in an interview." This is part...
“We Lived Not in Possession, But in Enlightenment of One Another”
Yesterday I picked up my best friend Ronna and we went to the cemetery in Westwood where my grandparents are...
Best. Day. Ever.
I've had a lot of good days in life, but today wins. Hard. I signed the contract today to write...
Thank You
Now that I'm writing a book about my life, I feel like I should take a moment and thank a...
Writers Don’t Make Any Money at All
“Writers don’t make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don’t...
“Innocence Under Attack”
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I overdosed on LSD like a hundred times in three days, and if...
Dude, I Wanna Hug Your Mommy Issues
Another pitch that I have yet to work out for cracked.com. It started off a "10 Characters Who Were Wracked...
The Drug Slang Translator
I just found this on my desktop, where I save interesting things "to be used later." It's from noslang.com. If...
Inappropriate
First of all, it's real. And it's almost worse than photo I've ever seen of JonBenet Ramsey. Second, I think...
Eight Lies You Totally Believed When You Were Young (And Still Might)
Note: I originally pitched this piece to cracked.com, who very nicely rejected it because "not everyone grew up like I...
Random Animal Facts
I was going to put these in something I just wrote. But I'm not. Killer whales are not whales. They're...
Things That Might Happen to You Any Second That’ll Scare the Bejesus Out of You
Another thing I started for cracked.com , along with 8 Reasons Your Childhood Was a Clusterf*ck of Dishonesty and Dude,...
I Totally Forgot it Was St. Patrick’s Day
Probably because I don't drink. But I am part Irish. And to be honest, I'm writing this three days later...
L.A. chick. Writer. Horror fan. Free Spirit. Child of the 70's.